American Horror Story in Real Life

If you’d like to re enact scenes from American Horror Story the Omni Grove Park Inn is for you and I found nothing to be thankful for at this resort beyond when I and my dog were thankful to leave. The streets leading up to this monstrous overbuilt tribute to terrible design form over function. They are tight, difficult to navigate, and with the high number of guests any entrance or exit is prone to hitting pedestrians or other vehicles.

Once I made it inside to the check-in desk the clerk seemed a bit new, unfamiliar with processes. We all start out as new in a job at some point and this was clearly a hectic day at this property where you could barely find space to wade through the main lobby flooded with guests standing, sitting, leaning against furniture everywhere, so I understand the stress and pressure he was likely under at the time, but this is where the truly concerning issues began.

The clerk couldn’t find any dinner reservations that my travel agent made on my behalf. Okay, people forget, make mistakes that’s part of life; things happen, I can find a workaround with the clerk, I thought. I explained the specific needs I had gone over with my travel agent and my agent confirmed would be accommodated, but the clerk apparently didn’t hear any of this as I mentioned it again directly to him as he went over the different restaurants on site. Okay, perhaps I’m not communicating clearly so please allow me to try again - same result. Deciding it best to move on since I wasn’t being understood and apparently my reservations were lost somewhere between my travel agent and the Omni instead choosing to shift focus on where the room was located within this wannabe castle of sorts.

I was provided with a “map” noting that my room was on floor 3 and no other indication of where to proceed to my room other than pointing towards a doorway at the rear right of the massive lobby area and being told to turn left after going down that initial hallway. If this property weren’t a maze of hallways many seemingly leading to nowhere in particular then navigating to the room I assume would be easier, but it’s like trying to find your way out of a poorly designed Autumn corn maze where the corn stalks are tacky, out of date walls, ceilings and fixtures in this monstrosity of poor taste.

A lovely and delightful woman with a Duke sweatshirt on was nice enough to let me know a few things the check-in clerk didn’t - of primary importance was that although we were on the main, lobby floor, this floor was not the first floor you would likely expect, but rather the ninth floor so my room being on floor three she made note to inform me that I would be going down in the elevator or using the stairs rather than up which would be typical at most hotels or resorts where rooms are either on the main floor with the lobby or above. Alright, different, but got it.

Oh if only the surprises had ended there, but no… check out the pics of my actual room and pics of the same room advertised on Omni’s website. Won’t take you long to discern the distinct differences.

Finally successfully making my way to the room, the valet with my luggage arrived at this opportune time and entered the foyer area before I did, noting that if the room was too dark as most guests comment on this lack of light in the rooms, that I could call housekeeping and they would bring additional floor and table lamps to brighten up the space. Only when I did, I was told that all the lamps were already taken by other guests and they had no more.

Allow me to set the stage for this room ripped from American Horror Story. It was a dark, dingy and depressing space to be within all at the cost of $600 plus a night - and this barren space reminiscent of a monastery with only gas light and no modern electric utilities with what appeared to be barely furnished with items picked up from the local Goodwill it then made sense to me why it’s kept so dark - Omni doesn’t want you to readily see how terribly out of date, dingy and depressing their rooms are.

Hearing screaming children outside the window I looked out the glass to find a rock wall rising at an angle and this was all I could see for I would say 50-60 feet in the air and, rising above the top of this wall. I could see the top floors of the original hotel and the top floor and roofline of the addition across from the 1998 addition built at the same time as where I was staying. The children were roaming free climbing the rock wall and roughhousing as children often do, but if they’re not my children I don’t wish to hear them scream and I don’t care to even hear mine do so. Terrible view, but sometimes that happens when you travel and not the end of the world… but wait there’s more. So, so much more. However unlike what’s being sold in the infomercials using that iconic phrase the Omni will only disappoint and frustrate any guest - even ones that aren’t discerning.

Returning my tired eyes to this overpriced trash dump worthy room after a six hour drive to this nightmare on Macon St instead of Elm, I could see the barely there dog accommodations such as small stainless bowls for food and water and a little plush bone that my dog wouldn’t bother to touch it was so tiny and uninteresting. Typically my dog is highly interested in food - of any kind as you could place a bacon scented piece of plastic wrap in front of his nose and he would try to eat it - but he was so bothered by how NOISY it was in this sprawling, tacky place that he wouldn’t eat his dinner and remained unsettled and uncomfortable. You can hear every, little thing from voices, to movements in rooms around yours, anyone outside and in the hallway. Everything.

No wonder everyone was crowding out any and all public spaces - no one would want to remain in their room room feeling like they were in lockup at the county jail.

Attempting to soothe my dog that couldn’t make sense of the screaming children combined with all the noise in rooms around and in hallway, I went to curl up with him on the bed which appeared to be the only halfway clean surface in the room although there were stains on the bedspread. I understand I’m not the first person to be in this room, I’m not grossed out by the junk I saw on the carpet that apparently wasn’t vacuumed or the track marks in the toilet from someone else’s #2 as although these are undesirable in any hotel room and especially one that costs as much for one night as the monthly rent for a one bedroom apartment in an average small to medium sized American town ($600-800).
I can look past many of these things - if they’re found in a budget motel which I am convinced would have been brighter, nicer, more updated and cleaner option at a much lower price point than this place will ever be without Omni shutting it down for a complete, entire overhaul which is desperately needed.

The room I would say is deserving of a nightly rate of $150 max and that’s if it’s clean and in good condition. The carpet on the floor it was evident had been there for likely over two decades since this addition was built as the design in the Berber like shaved carpet was completely worn away in high traffic areas while you could see the original design in areas it’s unlikely guests walk often.

The two chairs were worn, vinyl upholstery torn in places and when I sent pics to my brother he commented that faces had been etched into the back cushion from the excessive multi decade wear and tear. Opposite the chairs was a blank wall with zero furnishings or decor of any kind. In fact, there was two pieces of “art” on the walls which was in the dark foyer with zero lighting of any kind. One would think that ceiling light fixtures would be expected especially in an interior space with a rock wall outside it blocking entry of natural light into the space, but nope nothing like that found here. Apparently this place was designed by vampires that are averse to any light source.

Some lights didn’t even work - one bedside reading lamp wouldn’t turn on while on the other side of the bed the light turned on, but the coil to help you position it ideally to read didn’t work and simply fell down. This, along with the overwhelming amount of other evidence, clearly showed that Omni doesn’t even review their rooms to make sure the items within them function properly for their overcharged guests. It became clear to me that Omni simply can’t be bothered except when they have their hand out for payment.

Speaking of items in the room that didn’t work - if you’re a glutton for punishment then you’ll be in heaven as you enjoy the lottery system of which plugs will actually work to charge your devices - to make this process more fun you can challenge others in your party or your kids to test each outlet by plugging in a device and then ask them to report back to you on which outlets actually work.

The brightest lights were in the bathroom which was tiny and narrow unable to accommodate more than one person within the space at a time. This was where my eyes were greeted by the track marks on inside of toilet bowl. Lovely, but we are all humans, it happens and I can look past that *if* I’m paying for the local budget motor court.

At this point with the consistent noise levels, dingy, dark and depressing room with items that don’t function as intended and feeling that I would be better accommodated in a nunnery with more cheerful and enlivening surroundings, even if the nuns slap my knuckles with a ruler, I decided to pack up and drive back 6 hours home - in the same day. I would rather be comfortable in my own home than uncomfortable in this overpriced dump with not so much as lipstick to even try to cover up the tacky, ugly and barren space that would benefit from a lit match allowing Omni to start over which is what they should do with this “Vanderbilt” wing at least.

If visiting the Asheville area save yourself major moola and headaches by staying at a budget motel then visit the Omni if you wish to play golf or walk the grounds same as you would visit an historic site like the Biltmore because that’s what the Omni Grove Park Inn is - an historic relic in worse condition than the Biltmore where they should film the next incarnation of “The Walking Dead” or “American Horror Story.”

After my nightmare horror story at the Omni Gut Punch Inn I will never so much as set foot on another Omni property again - for the remainder of my life. Vacations should be delightful, allowing the guests to create new memories to enjoy for years to come rather than leaving them tired, frustrated, disappointed and excited to escape the prison cell errr I mean hotel room to return home and never have I been so thankful to cross the threshold into my house as I was after wasting a large amount of time and energy traveling to and then returning from this dumpy, dingy resort with staff that couldn’t care less about creating so much as a somewhat enjoyable experience for their guests.

While Omni is one of the few hotel chains that universally accepts dogs traveling with their human companions and I understand that traveling with a dog, especially finding accommodations that will accept a large dog, can be challenging there are better options out there. If you call and speak with a property manager at most hotels and resorts that may advertise a weight limit for dogs or 30-50 lbs I’ve found most properties will accommodate my 75 lb dog upon my request. Choose to explore those options and save yourself the trouble, lost time and energy, frustration and holiday spirit extinguishing Omni experience.

American Horror Story should remain fiction on a streaming service and no one’s real life vacation experience especially when they’re paying as much as the Omni demands.

Nov. 27, 2023